Feature: Memento Mori

by Arvind Menon

Congratulations on choosing Memento Mori, you are one step closer to a joyous and fulfilling life.

The Memento Mori program promises to free your mind from a dull dreary outlook, and lead you to greener, brighter pastures and help you find all the happiness you’ve ever wanted.

The program was founded in 1969 by renowned psychologist and philosopher, Dr. Ahmed Beirut. He postulated that with rapid advances in technology, medicine and science, mankind’s zest for living exponentially reduced. Man is being driven to a life with illusionary pleasures and manufactured emotions. Through years of study, Dr. Beirut found that if one wants to really feel true freedom, one must embrace death and face their inevitable mortality on a daily basis.

From this idea, the Memento Mori Program was born.

In 3-4 weeks you will receive your Starter Kit, which includes a jar containing one thousand (1000) blue capsules. Hidden within these capsules is one (1) capsule of slow acting cyanide. The rest of the pills are absolutely harmless placebos. 

You must keep this jar at your bedside and consume one capsule with a glass of water every night.

If you happen to consume the cyanide capsule, it will start working with three (3) hours, killing you peacefully while you sleep.

If you consume the placebo, you will wake up in the morning, fresh and thankful at having received the gift of a brand new day.

With the renewed vigour that comes with embracing one’s mortality, you will be able to pursue activities of your choice through the day with a noticeably upbeat and cheerful outlook to life.

You will be able to relish and savour each moment of the day, find fulfilling hobbies and pursuits and engage in more meaningful interpersonal relationships with near and dear ones.

You will receive a fresh supply of placebos every three (3) months which you must add to the jar and shake vigorously.

 Please note that at Memento Mori, we do not subscribe to cheap psychological tricks to motivate our patrons. There is a real cyanide pill in the jar, the consequences of consuming which are most definitely lethal. We encourage our patrons to get their affairs in order before starting the program.

You can call our 24 hour toll free helpline to avail of legal assistance at a subsidized rate to draw up a last will and testament.

Kindly consider signing up for our organ donor program, and help those in need, even in death.

Once again, best regards for your new life. Make every second count.

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Arvind Menon (who refused to contribute to his bio for this section, and hence I am doing it) is one of the most talented people I know. His ability to come up with unconventional ideas and structure them in an innovative manner has led to a career in advertising. It also leads to some very interesting conversations and (as you can see) some fantastic writing.

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